The Scarlet Geezer

Far away, in a distant galaxy, there lives a kind old man who has a small country cottage, surrounded by flowers, where he raises beautiful kittens. One day, not long ago, the old man fell down, and he knew, as he fell, that he was falling because the world had lost its proper ups and downs. Later, the old man thought long upon it, and realized that his planet had been invaded by aliens who were upsetting the balance of the natural ups and downs.
The old man thought some more about it. Was he being called by the Path to save the world from the evil aliens? The answer came to him as a voice in a dream, “No, old man, you are not the one to save the world, you just have to save the old women who live near you, of whom there are many, and they are being sorely attacked by viruses, worms, adware, spyware, and even the dreaded Trojans.”
The old man went to see a great wizard who lives in a nearby village. “Oh Great Wizard, High Holy Fizzishun, please tell me how I am to save the old women from viruses, worms, adware, spyware, and even the dreaded Trojans,” pleaded the old man.  
Holding out a small bottle filled with small, white, perfectly formed pebbles, the High Holy Fizzishun said, “Take one of these after breakfast and another after dinner. They will give you a great power.”
The next morning, after a simple breakfast of porridge, the old man took one of the small pebbles out of the bottle, looked at it with some doubt showing on his wrinkled old face, but then placed it on his tongue and swallowed the pebble. Nothing happened.  
About thirty minutes later the old man felt a flea bite his ankle. “Drat,” he said, for the old man did not care for fleas or their bites. But then another bit him on the same ankle. Then, as he reached down to scratch his ankle, something started tickling the inside of his ear. Soon, his eyelids were burning, his lips were burning, his nostrils were burning, and so were all the edges of the rest of his body's orifices. The he noticed his skin was turning red, not just ordinary red but RED red.
And at that moment, the old man became The Scarlet Geezer, protector of old women against the evil attacks of viruses, worms, adware, spyware, and even the dreaded Trojans.